The Encyclopedia Brown Encyclopedia

Encyclopedia watched quizzically as Cadmus Turner glared at a large tree just outside of the Brown Detective Agency. Cadmus snarled at the tree and then began wrestling it. The “fight” went on for a minute until Cadmus gave up when his pants fell down.

Cadmus explained to Encyclopedia that he had just downed four bottles of Hercules’s Strength Tonic, but he wasn’t feeling any of the results. He believed that he had been ripped off and he wanted Encyclopedia to look into things for him.

The two biked down to the fruit stand where Cadmus had bought the tonic. A crowd of children gathered around as two older boys were about to start their demonstration. One of the boys was Wilford Wiggins – a high school dropout, just sayin’ – and Mike O’Malley. Mike was from another town. He was dressed in an old, beat up suit that fit around his large frame pretty well.

Mike did some pushups, and took off his suit jacket and shirt and showed off his muscles. Wilford began the pitch. “Can you believe Mike weighed only 100 pounds a year ago?” Wilford explained that in just one year, he gained another 100 pounds in solid muscle, and he had Hercules’s Strength Tonic to thank for it.

Bugs, who was at the demonstration and was displaying an odd amount of intelligence for him, asked Wilford that if this stuff was so good, then why didn’t they sell it at stores? Wilford explained that Mike had spent every penny he had on developing the tonic. He even pointed out that he had been wearing the same suit for two years because he couldn’t afford a new one.

That was all Bugs needed to hear. He was sold. Wilford explained that all it took was a teaspoon of the stuff a day and that four bottles should last someone a year. Doing some quick math, that means that each bottle is about a pint.

Encyclopedia told the group of children to hold on to their money, because the stuff didn’t work. Mike didn’t gain 100 pounds in a year. If he had, then a suit he got two years earlier wouldn’t have been able to still fit him. Cadmus got his money returned to him.

Mike’s suit aside, it could be argued that Wilford and Mike wouldn’t have to return the money back to Cadmus. Cadmus’ argument was that he bought a product that didn’t work, but what Cadmus didn’t tell Encyclopedia is that though he was instructed to take one teaspoon a day, he drank a year’s worth all at once. Cadmus ignored the directions and in doing so, he surrendered the right to claim that the product didn’t work. 

The story glosses over the more important fact that Cadmus is incredibly lucky that the tonic actually didn’t work. If it did work, Cadmus could have, at worst, killed himself downing a year’s worth of tonic all at once. Cadmus didn’t want to wait an entire year to see results, but that’s too freakin’ bad. There’s a reason why the following never happens:

DOCTOR: You’re going to have to come in for several rounds of chemotherapy.
CANCER PATIENT: I don’t want to have to wait that long. Why don’t you just give me all of it at once?
DOCTOR: Sounds good to me.

If Encyclopedia was as the model of clear thinking and responsibility he thinks he was, he should have chided Cadmus for not taking medication as directed.

One day, Charlie Stewart got a phone call regarding his tooth collection. Someone was offering two grizzly bear teeth up for sale and told Charlie to meet him at a certain place. As Charlie was heading to the meeting, he saw Bugs pointing at him yelling, “Arrest that kid!” Charlie panicked and ran to the one place he knew he could get help – the Brown Detective Agency.

Charlie explained to Encyclopedia that Bugs had wanted him to trade his tooth collection for a pig-shaped teapot, but Charlie had no interest in making such a trade. Bugs wanted the collection to use in his clubhouse security system. Apparently, he’d tie the teeth to a string, and when someone tripped the string, the teeth would chatter and warn him and the Tigers. I really don’t know how he was going to engineer such a thing, or why he’d need someone’s prized tooth collection when a few bells could do the same thing, only more easily. But whatever, Bugs is full of half-baked ideas.

A few minutes later, Bugs appeared with Officer Carlson to the agency. Now, we’ve been through why Carlson is a terrible cop, so I’m sure Encyclopedia wasn’t all that glad to see him. Again, instead of taking Charlie aside and asking for his side of the story, he just had the boys argue in a free-for-all right there in the Browns’ garage. To Carlson’s credit, he did have the bright idea to go to the scene of the crime. Though, for some reason, not only did he take the accuser and the suspect, he also took the uninvolved third party, Encyclopedia.

Bugs explained that he had just gotten home when Charlie ran past him with the teapot under his arm. He said he tried to run after him, but he got away. Bugs claimed that since he obeys the law, he didn’t want chase after Charlie because that would have meant crossing against the green light. At that point, he just called the police at a phone booth and waited for the police there.

I hope everyone in that room laughed for a solid five minutes after Bugs said that he obeys the law. C’mon, even Bugs could have admitted that it was complete bullshit.

Well, Carlson’s an idiot, so he probably doesn’t realize that Bugs is full of it. He went on with the investigation and had Bugs tell him about where the teapot was kept. Bugs said that it was usually in a locked cabinet upstairs, but Charlie had taken the hinges off.

Carlson was ready to get Charlie’s parents involved, but Bugs, feeling a magnanimous, didn’t want Charlie to have to go to jail. He offered Charlie to keep the teapot in exchange for the collection.

Encyclopedia wanted to know how Bugs knew the cabinet door’s hinges were taken off. If he barely walked into his house before turning around to run after Charlie, and only returned with Carlson, Charlie and Encyclopedia, then he didn’t have a chance to see how the cabinet was supposedly broken into.

Seriously, how many times is the Idaville PD going to allow Bugs to file these false statements with the police before they haul him off to juvie? He is wasting valuable town resources.

Wait, I just had a thought. Maybe that’s why they send Carlson whenever Bugs calls something in; because Carlson isn’t a valuable town resource. He’s a strain on the police department, and he’s only there to handle the bullshit Bugs cases.

Chief Brown was planning on playing the role of peacekeeper after dinner. Some neighborhood grouch, Mr. Harwood, had been complaining about his neighbor’s dog, Rex, and Chief Brown thought it would be good to mediate before things boiled over. Rex belonged to Encyclopedia’s friend, Pinky Plummer, so he brought his son around. On their way to Harwood’s house, they heard four gunshots. When they got to their destination, they saw Harwood on the sidewalk, holding a gun, and Rex bleeding on the ground.

After doing the typical “please disperse, there’s nothing to see here” routine, Chief Brown went inside to ask Harwood what had happened. As Harwood sat down and opened the cabinet to put the gun away in its carrying case, Harwood told the story of him dozing off in his study and then he waking up to find someone going through his desk. Wanting to stop the would-be robber, he quietly got his gun from the cabinet and told the robber to stop. The robber ran out of the house and Harwood ran after him and shot four times.

You see? He wasn’t shooting at a dog; he was shooting at the robber.

At best, Harwood is someone who shoots irresponsibly at fleeing suspects. Even if there had been someone running away – which has yet to be proven – he’s a horrible shot. He shot a dog out of his own recklessness. What if instead of shooting a dog, he fatally shot an innocent bystander? Manslaughter. Also, I’m not sure if you’re allowed to shoot the suspect in this case. Suspect in your house is one thing. Suspect with no weapon running away something else because it’s no longer self-defense in that case.

But that’s only assuming there was a robber. Was there? Encyclopedia wasn’t buying it. If Harwood was trying to quietly get his gun out of the cabinet, he wouldn’t have put the case back into the cabinet and closed the cabinet case. That means that Harwood shot Rex in cold blood, which makes him a raging asshole. And on top of being an asshole, he’s still a horrible shot. He shot four times, yet Rex lived. That means he probably missed three times.

The worst part of the story is that Harwood wasn’t arrested for any of this. No matter how you cut this story – robber or not – the truth is that a man shot a dog; either on purpose or recklessly. There must be some laws on the book against this, right?

Tyrone Taylor was quite the ladies’ man and was always seen around town holding some girl’s hand. He appeared at the Brown Detective Agency holding an arrow that he said came very close to hitting him in the head. He wanted Encyclopedia to find out who tried killed him.

He suspected it was some rival, going after the same girl Tyrone was trying to woo. He had also thought it could have been Cupid, because at the time, he was thinking about what kind of present he should give Ruth Goldstein – the girl he fancied that particular day. He thought it was Cupid because attached to an arrow was a diamond necklace.

Encyclopedia and Tyrone went to the scene of the near the home of Mr. Crane, one of the wealthiest men in Idaville. When they got there, they saw a few police cars near the house. Tyrone inexplicably freaked out at the sight of the police, gave the arrow and diamond to Encyclopedia and ran off. It’s never really explained why he’s afraid of the police. It seems as if he was guilty of something. Maybe he has warrants against him? We’ll never know, but I guess it explains why he didn’t go to the police when he was nearly killed.

Chief Brown noticed Encyclopedia, so he called him over to explain what was going on, as police normally do.

Apparently, a masked man had broken into Crane’s home. Crane, fearing that someone was after his most prized possession, the Greenwood Diamond, took a bow and arrow and tied the diamond to it. He ran to the back of his house to a narrow staircase. He went up the stairs and stopped at a window about halfway up, and he shot the arrow out the window so that the diamond would land away from the would-be thief. The thief saw Crane do this and beat him up out of anger.

Crane told the police that he believed it was Mr. Holt who beat him up. Holt had been trying to buy the diamond, and had recently brought “making threats” to the negotiation table. Holt was being brought to the scene of the crime for questioning.

Encyclopedia explained to his father that the diamond and the arrow had been found. Chief Brown put the evidence in the patrol car and he and Encyclopedia concocted a plan. He decided to wait for Holt at the bottom of the staircase where Crane was beaten up.

When Holt appeared, he acted as if he had no idea what was going on. Chief Brown explained that the Greenwood Diamond was missing, but it was “only an arrow flight away.”

Holt told Chief Brown to quit standing around and go outside to get it. That’s when the police knew that Holt had tried to steal the diamond.

You see, according to the plan, Chief Brown was to stand at the bottom of the narrow staircase and say that the diamond was “an arrow flight away.” If Holt hadn’t been there to see that business with the arrow, he wouldn’t have assumed that he heard “an arrow flight away,” he would have heard “a narrow flight away,” referring to the narrow flight of stairs. So his response, in theory, would have been “go upstairs and get it,” not “go outside and get it.”

This is kind of a bullshit theory, and they should be glad it worked. What if Holt’s response to “it’s a(n) (n)arrow flight away” was, “then go get it”? What if it was “it’s a what away”? Then the police would have been left with nothing. Because, really, if you’re standing at the bottom of a narrow flight of stairs and something is upstairs, you would simply say, “it’s upstairs,” you wouldn’t describe the staircase.

But this nonsense police work isn’t want sticks out most about this mystery. To me, it’s the fact that Crane’s “security system” comprises of him tying something to a sharp projectile and shooting it at a random spot out the window. First of all, it leads to the possibility that anyone can just go outside and steal whatever Crane intended to not have stolen. Secondly, and most importantly, he nearly killed a child in an attempt to keep a necklace from being stolen.

Is this allowed in Idaville?

There was a fire at the Glade Theater, so Encyclopedia and Sally went to check it. No, don’t get excited, Encyclopedia wasn’t about to investigate an arson. No, this turnes into another “someone sneaked up behind someone else, hit them over the head and robbed them” case.

Mr. Jorgens, who owns the beauty parlor, emerged from the alley saying that he had been robbed. Officer Wilson questioned Jorgens, who then gave the report to his superior, Chief Brown, who then divulged all of the details to his son over dinner.

Jorgens usually went to the bank on Fridays, but he decided to make a special trip on this day because business had been particularly good. The only person he told about his plan to go to the bank was his wife. There were three customers in the beauty parlor at the time, but they were under the loud hair driers at the time and they wouldn’t have been able to hear what Jorgens was saying.

Encyclopedia said that this case was easy. All they needed to do was find out which of the three customers was deaf, and that was the robber. He reasoned that someone who was deaf would be able to see what Jorgens was saying by reading his lips.

Sure enough, Mrs. O’Brien was deaf and caught that Jorgens was going to go to the bank. Knowing that he would be taking a shortcut through the alley and that everyone would be paying attention to the commotion at the theater, she seized the opportunity. After leaving the beauty parlor, she waited in the alley for him and hit him over the head and took his money.

I think it was kind of a good guess though. Yeah, deaf people are likely to be able to read lips, but it’s not a skill only held by the hearing impaired. The Idaville PD is lucky that O’Brien was actually the one who committed the crime. What if it was random? What if it was another customer, who was able to read lips despite being able to hear? That would look bad if they just arrested someone because she happened to be deaf and at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Mr. Mackey is an oil tycoon who owned several oil wells in Texas. The problem was that he didn’t enjoy his riches. Instead, he was pretty paranoid that someone was after him.

One morning, he called Chief Brown’s house saying that he thought someone was going to kill him. The Chief decided to go to his house on his way to work. He also brought Encyclopedia, because… yeah.

When the Browns got to Mackey’s house, there was already a woman at the door. Mackey opened the door and saw Chief Brown. He shook his hand and invited him. That’s when he saw the woman, who identified herself as Molly Haggerty. She was inquiring about the maid position he saw advertised in the paper. He invited her in as well, but apologized, saying that he needed to speak with Chief Brown. So he sent her into the kitchen to make him some food.

I don’t know how I feel about that. On one hand, I think that’s messed up. “Yeah, you’re not hired yet. In fact, I don’t even know you. Why don’t you make yourself useful and make me some food?” On the other hand, I guess it was good for him to find out what kind of cook she was before he hired her.

Anyway, she disappeared into the kitchen so that the men were able to discuss important things. Mackey told Chief Brown that he had been more skittish because he was the only witness in a gas station robbery the previous week. He was worried that the suspects’ friends were going to find him and keep him from appearing in court. Mackey had been so crazy with paranoia that he had been locking himself in his house all day and only sneaking out in the middle of the night. He said he had been looking forward to eating so that he could get some sleep.

That was when Molly appeared with soup, a sandwich and an iced tea. Mackey was about to eat the sandwich when Encyclopedia told him not to eat it.

Encyclopedia thought it was odd that a maid would prepare soup and a sandwich for someone so early in the morning. Unless, of course, Haggerty knew that he had been up all night and wanted dinner.

I’m actually impressed with how quickly Haggerty prepared the meal. She had only been in the kitchen for a couple of minutes, yet she managed to heat up some soup. There seemed to be no amount of time would have been dedicated to checking out what food was available and doing the “checking every cabinet before finding where the plates are kept” dance.

But anyway, yes, Encyclopedia was right. Haggerty was friends with the robbery suspects. Her plan was to give Mackey sleeping powder and keep him hidden until after the trial.

I’m not sure if that plan would have actually worked. But I wonder why Mackey chose this time to advertise for a new maid. He was paranoid that someone was going to kill him or find some way to keep him from testifying in the trial. However, he pretty much opened his door to anyone claiming to be interested in being his maid. That doesn’t sound very smart.

Lionel Fisk approached the Brown Detective Agency walking on his hands. The aspiring acrobat always got fired up when the circus was in town. This year, he had more reason to be excited because his Uncle Barney – who is an ex-con, just sayin’ – had recently joined the circus as a clown. Lionel had two extra tickets to the circus, so he decided to give them to Encyclopedia and Sally.

That’s nice, but I get the feeling that those tickets were meant for Lionel’s parents. You figure if Barney is Lionel’s uncle, then one of Lionel’s parents is Barney’s sibling. Wouldn’t that person want to see his or her brother perform? Apparently not.

They went to the circus and the kids seemed to have a good enough time. Lionel lit up with pride to see his uncle dressed up as a clown in an armor made of pots and pans for his role as Sir Godfrey Biscuit-Shooter.

After the show, the three children got to see behind the scenes of the circus. However, when they got to the performers’ trailers, there was trouble brewing. Someone yelled for a doctor. Kitty, the bareback rider (I imagine it’s not that kind of bareback), also called for the new clown, Barney.

Princess Marta, the lion tamer, said that someone hit her over the head and stole her money. Kitty said that she had seen Barney leaving Marta’s trailer. Just then, the strongman appeared, grasping Barney. He pushed Barney, still wearing his “armor,” to the ground. The clanking of the pots and pans made a horrible racket.

Princess Marta said that she didn’t see or hear the thief before getting hit over the head. Everyone was ready to accuse the new guy who had been in prison. Things for Barney didn’t get any better when a frying pan was found outside Marta’s trailer.

Encyclopedia pointed out that Barney was unable to move quietly, so it wasn’t likely that the guy wearing an armor of pots and pans would be able to sneak up on anyone. Someone wearing soft shoes, like Kitty, who was quick to accuse Barney, would have no problem sneaking up on anyone.

So I guess, what we’ve learned today is: sometimes it’s not always the ex-con, but sometimes it’s worth blaming him anyway. Also that circus folk easily fall prey to mob mentality.

Joe Cooper was a weird kid. Whenever he got angry at someone, he would get dressed up like Daniel Boone and point his rusty old rifle at the object of his anger. Why hasn’t anyone told this kid that you shouldn’t point a firearm at someone else?

One day, he sneaked up on Encyclopedia and Sally and gave him the “I’m pissed, so I’m going to ambush you and point my gun at you” treatment. No, he wasn’t angry at them. He was actually angry at Buck Calhoun, but since Calhoun had been dead for decades, Joe was determined to point his rifle at someone that day; it might as well be someone innocent.

The nearby Fort Hope had recently unveiled a statue honoring Buck Calhoun. Joe hated Calhoun because he believed his stupidity caused his great-grandfather to be injured during battle. He hired the agency to prove that Calhoun was a phony.

Encyclopedia and Sally, treating it like any other case, accepted the job and hopped on the next bus to Fort Hope. While there, they went on a tour and learned the story of how Calhoun earned his fame.

It all happened one night in July of 1872 when Calhoun, a former scout for the Fourth Cavalry, was leading a wagon train with 500 settlers. However, it was a dangerous time to be travelling the area because of Seminole attacks. As the wagon train approached Fort Hope that rainy night, Calhoun was able to see that the American flag was waving proudly, so he knew it was safe. Unfortunately, the fort was actually filled with those tricky, tricky Seminoles who wore U.S. Army uniforms taken from the soldiers they had just killed. Calhoun unwittingly led half the settlers in the group to their death but with some quick thinking, he was able to save the other half and get the Seminoles out of the fort.

And that, explained the tour guide, was why Calhoun was honored with a statue. Encyclopedia spoke up and pointed out that Calhoun didn’t save half of the settlers. Instead, he should be blamed for the deaths of the other half. He should have known that there was trouble in the fort when he saw that the American flag was flying 1) at night 2) while it was raining. That wouldn’t have happened in a fort occupied by Americans, but Seminoles would have been unfamiliar with the rules and customs of flying the American flag.

There’s more going on here that I don’t understand. How is Encyclopedia the first person to bring up the discrepancy with the flag flying? Encyclopedia noted that a former scout for the cavalry should have known that the flag shouldn’t have been flying at that point. What about the people who have been in charge of raising and lowering the flag every day in that fort for nearly a century after that attack? They’re familiar with the flag-flying customs, why didn’t they think the story was fishy? Apparently no one did, because he was regarded as such a hero that they made a statue of him. Statues aren’t cheap. Before commissioning a statue, didn’t anyone think to see if the Calhoun story actually checked out?

And though an exact location has not been stated yet, it has been implied that Idaville is in Florida. This story, alone, mentioned Seminoles and palmetto palms. I mention this because between the Indian Removal Act, signed in 1830, and the three Seminole Wars – the third and final one ending in 1858 – the Seminoles had been killed, removed from the area or lived quietly and stayed in Florida by 1872. They weren’t killing American soldiers and then wearing the dead soldiers’ uniforms in a ruse to trick settlers to their death.

The people who are working at this fort have no idea about its own history, and they don’t seem to feel bad about keeping myths alive.

Bugs couldn’t really live with the idea that Sally Kimball (a girl!) once beat him up. He decided to enroll in a judo class so that he could better defend himself. He was proud of his progress and had Duke Kelly – the Tiger who once shot a boy – pay the Brown Detective Agency a quarter to go see the demonstration that Bugs and his classmates would be putting on. I guess that’s nice that he paid them for their time.

Encyclopedia and Sally went to the junior high school to see the judo demonstration. There were some adults showing off their moves. Then Coach Richards, who ran the class, addressed the spectators and spoke about how judo wasn’t just for adults and that the program had a few junior high students. That’s when Bugs and a few of his friends – including Rocky Graham, the guy who once knocked two of his own teeth out while trying to break into a car – appeared on the mat to demonstrate some moves.

They were pretty good. Coach Richards was about to step forward to thank them for the show, but Bugs stopped him and told everyone that he had some more moves. That’s when one of the Tigers walked up to Bugs. Bugs hit a part of his “attacker’s” throat and he immediately fell on his back. Another walked up to Bugs and the same thing happened.

As the two came to and crawled off the mat, Bugs then addressed the spectators and told them that they had witnessed his super-secret hold. He assured everyone that they felt no pain, but he could have broken their necks. He later told everyone that he learned the move after writing a famous professor in Japan.

He then challenged Sally to a fight. The spectators were worried for Sally; everyone but Encyclopedia who explained to Sally that if the super-secret hold were real, the two boys Bugs demonstrated the move on would have fallen forward, not back. Sally stepped up and beat the crap out of Bugs in front of everyone. That must have been hilarious to watch.

I’m realizing that with a lot of these stories, there’s a bad person and there’s someone who’s even worse. The bad person is the one who Encyclopedia catches. The person who is even worse is the one, usually an adult, who lets the other person get away with whatever it is they’re trying to pull.

So Bugs is the bad person here, because he made up some bullshit story about how he wrote a professor in Japan for a secret judo move. Why would he supposedly write a professor for that sort of thing? Does he believe that Japanese universities teach judo? Does he believe that all Japanese people know judo, but professors know more of it, because they’re professors? How did he figure out which professor to contact?

Let’s say this American boy, out of dumb luck, found this professor who happened to know a secret judo move. Either he developed it himself, or it had been in the family for countless generations. Why would this professor give a secret to some complete stranger thousands of miles away? And how would Prof. Judo manage to teach this boy a move through written correspondence alone?

I guess I don’t really need to spell out how implausible Bugs’ lies are. It’s not any different from the time he claimed he was able to teach a New York Yankee a new way to pitch. Here, he was trying to scare Sally into not fighting him based on a series of lies. Bugs is the bad person here.

You know who the worse person here is? Coach Richards.

He spent a couple of weeks teaching these kids judo. And I’m not faulting him for the fact that he taught known criminals martial arts, though I totally could. After the teens got to show off their moves, one of his students completely hijacked the demonstration, faked a few moves, passed it off as judo and then challenged an audience member to a fight. Wouldn’t Richards teach his students to only use these moves for self-defense? Instead, Richards sat back as his student called someone out. For all Richards knew, Sally had absolutely no fighting experience.

He shouldn’t have allowed any of that. What kind of class is this guy running? He was lucky Sally was able to defend herself, otherwise he’d be looking at a pretty fat lawsuit, which would have been almost as funny as Sally beating the crap out of Bugs in front of an audience.

Encyclopedia Brown Solves Them All (1968)

This Encyclopedia Brown looks a bit weird — like he has an adult head on a child’s body.

He probably doesn’t look as weird as the guy who goes into his local public library’s children’s section to pick up Encyclopedia Brown books.