The Encyclopedia Brown Encyclopedia

The Parent-Teacher Association was holding its annual summer carnival. The proceeds from the event were to go towards getting a new air conditioner for the cafeteria.

I feel like this is part of a viscous cycle. We have a public school system that pumps out easily-fooled idiots and doesn’t spend its money improving the quality of the education it offers. Instead, it spends its money on an air conditioning system. So we have a crappy school paid good money to have it kept relatively cool when it’s mostly empty.

Shortly after arriving, Encyclopedia and Sally met up with Benny Breslin, who explained that the worm race had been cancelled that year because too many of the racers had been stepped on. Bugs Meany himself had angrily stepped on five worms after the caterpillar he had made to look like a worm changed into a butterfly and lost.

Why cancel the race? It seems like the problem was that one kid cheated and acted like a sore loser when his scheme blew up in his face. It’s not like this was the first time Bugs had acted like an ass. Ban Bugs. Everyone just needs to ban Bugs from everything.

Bugs had been supposedly trying to make up being such a dick the previous year, so he got Adler’s Sporting Goods Store to donate a baseball glove to be raffled off. Bugs was going to run the raffle.

Bugs was spotted at the raffle table. When someone bought a chance at the glove, he handed them a paper with a number on it. The corresponding number written on a ping pong ball was dropped into a clear plastic tub. Under his chair was a thermos, but he seemed to be ignoring it. Instead, he was drinking from a root beer can on the table.

When it was raffle time, Bugs had Miss Spottswood, the school nurse, blindfold Duke Kelly to pick the winning ping pong ball. Right, because Duke Kelly has proven himself to be a trustworthy member of society.

Duke stirred the balls around for a few seconds and picked out number 81. Rick Larsen had the winning number. No one should be surprised here, but Rick was a friend of Bugs. Of course, it seemed that Bugs and Duke cheated, but how could Encyclopedia prove that?

The answer was in the thermos. Encyclopedia asked to feel the winning ball. As he suspected, that ball was colder than the others. He theorized that Bugs had kept the winning ball in the cold thermos until a few minutes before the drawing. That way, the blindfolded Duke could just feel for the cold ball and pull that one out. Encyclopedia was tipped off by the fact that Bugs had a thermos, but he hadn’t been drinking out of it.

Normally, I’d point out the possibility that Bugs had come to the carnival with a cold drink in the thermos, but had finished it and later bought a can of root beer at a nearby soda machine. And while those set of events aren’t all that unlikely, Bugs has gone a lot further in order to cheat, swindle or steal.

Of course, all of this leads to a simple question of why anyone would entrust Bugs with anything? Ever. If he ended up stealing every penny the raffle raised, the Idaville PTA would only have themselves to blame.

Cosimo Bender had asked Encyclopedia and Sally to show up to the Children’s Hobby Show two hours before it began. He had entered his two-and-a-half-foot ball of string in the Collecting for Fun division – a section of the event which showcased worthless collections that could not be sold or traded. Cosimo had originally hired the Brown Detective Agency because of a rumor floating around saying that he cheated and put a basketball in the center of the ball, but all of that fell to the wayside when Cosimo discovered that someone had taken the ball of string.

Of course.

On the table where the ball had been, Encyclopedia noticed five small scratches in a line about 6 1/8 inches apart. A sixth line was 4½ inches from the last scratch. The figured someone would have noticed someone walking out of the main door with a ball of string, so the thief must have gone out of the narrower back door. Encyclopedia noticed similar scratches near that door, only the last scratch was 5½ inches away.

There were seven other children entered in this division. Since four of the others were friends of Cosimo, they were given a pass. The mode of thinking there was “what kind of person would try to jerk over his friend?” It’s a reasonable question, but that brand of assholery is pretty common in Idaville.

Anyway, that left three possible thieves. One had a collection of model ships, another had a collection of rare coins and money and the third collected baseball cards. All three entrants were considered experts in their field.

You know who should be disqualified from the Collecting for Fun prize? These three kids whose collections could easily be sold for money. Especially the one whose “worthless collection” was money. Money was created specifically for the purpose of buying and trading. The fact that it has been entered in a section of the show that is devoted to things that cannot be sold or traded absolutely blows my mind. IT’S MONEY! 

Encyclopedia didn’t bother with this blatant misclassification on the part of the Children’s Hobby Show judges; he was only concerned with getting the ball of string returned. He knew who did it too. It was John Morgan, the boy with the “worthless” money collection.

Encyclopedia recognized that 6 1/8 inches is roughly the width of a dollar bill. John must have used a dollar bill to measure the width of the doorway and the ball of string to see if he was able to the ball out of the door. Since he didn’t have a pen or pencil, he etched the marks with a key.

John had enough foresight to know that taking the ball of string out of the main door would raise suspicion. However, when it came to measuring the ball and doorway, he went with the most conspicuous method imaginable. 

No one noticed this weird kid with a dollar bill and a key carving little lines into the door and into table next to someone else’s exhibit? Was everyone that entranced by that other kid’s baseball collection?

Lucy Fibbs kept and trained pigs. In the past, they had been trained for obedience contests. She later moved on and went into the world of pig racing. She was training one breed of pig to run fast, and she was training another breed for swimming. She was going to enter a team for the first All-Pig Olympics. The problem was that the swimmer pigs were gaining weight too quickly. She suspected that someone had been overfeeding them, making them too heavy to swim and taking them out of the competition.

You may have trouble believing this, folks, but I believe someone in Idaville is cheating at a competition.

The night before Lucy hired Encyclopedia to find out who was doing this, her parents had come home to find that the kitchen light was on. The intruder ran away as soon as he heard the car pull up, so Lucy’s parents didn’t get a good look at him. When Lucy’s father went inside, he found a mysterious slip of paper with the words “pig iron” written on it.

Later that night, a neighbor said that he had seen a car that had been parked nearby getting towed by another car. Since it was dark, the neighbor didn’t see the cars or the people.

After hearing this story, Encyclopedia just had one question, “Where’s the phone?” As Encyclopedia suspected, the only phone in the house was in the kitchen. With that information, Encyclopedia was able to solve the mystery.

The guy who was overfeeding the pigs was Jim Hearn. He wanted to fatten up the pig because he wanted his own pigs to be famous. The night Lucy’s parents saw Jim in the kitchen, his car had broken down. With no other choice, he broke into the Fibbs’ home to use the phone to call his friend for a tow, but he dropped the piece of paper while he was in the house. But what’s the significance of the paper?

Jim had brought the phone number of the place where his friend was going to be that night, but since he wanted to be careful about someone finding it, he wrote the number in letters. It just so happened that the phone number, 744-4766, spelled out “pig iron.” We find out that the police traced the phone number to Jim’s friend, and he and Jim were arrested.

I don’t understand why Jim had brought the phone number of the place where his friend was going to be. And I don’t understand why he spelled the number out. For that to be a concern, Jim would have had to have thought that his car was in danger of breaking down AND that he’d need to break into the Fibbs’ home and call his friend for a tow. On top of that, he would have to be concerned about leaving the slip of paper somewhere where it could be discovered. I’m all about someone planning for ahead for unlikely events, but those are a pretty specific list of ifs.

And if Jim was going somewhere to overfeed pigs and it just so happened his friend’s friend’s phone number spelled out “pig iron,” would he really have needed to write that down? It’s “pig iron,” dude! The first word is taken care of, because you’re dealing with pigs.

This story has the rare occurrence of telling us that someone got arrested for their crimes, which is not common. Even the man who kidnapped his 10-year-old neighbor and the ice cream man didn’t get arrested. Here, the police arrested Jim as well as his friend. Why was Jim’s friend arrested? All he did was tow Jim’s car. I suppose he had possibly aided and abetted a criminal, but they’d have to prove that he knew why Jim was there. Considering that Mr. Fibbs didn’t even call the police after seeing someone had broken into his house, I don’t know how serious of a crime any of this is.

Idaville’s poster boy for childhood obesity, Chester Jenkins, was seen hurrying past the Brown Detective Agency carrying an egg. When Encyclopedia asked Chester what the rush was, Chester answered that Wilford Wiggins had told everyone that “egg power” was going to make them rich. What followed was the same conversation that occurs every time someone tells Encyclopedia about Wilford’s latest scheme:

DUMB CHILD: Wilford told everyone to meet him at [time and place, though the place is usually the city dump].

ENCYCLOPEDIA: That’s odd. I didn’t hear anything about any meeting.

DUMB CHILD: Oh, he probably didn’t tell you because each and every single time he has tried to pull one over us, you’ve pointed out that it was a scam. Even though I have no indication that this time is any different, I’m sure Wilford’s telling the truth this time, though. But hey, just in case, maybe I’ll hire you to come down with me to see if it’s a scam. Or I could just not go, because it’s not going to be worth my time… No actually, I’ll just go and hire you to do the thinking for me.

Encyclopedia, Sally and Chester went to the city dump just as the meeting was getting started. Standing next to Wilford was a tall boy wearing a crash helmet, jump suit, goggles and a parachute.

Wilford held up a box, and without opening the box, he told the crowd that there was a square egg inside, and he told the children to dare to dream the possibilities of living in a world with square eggs. One child remarked that square eggs wouldn’t roll off the edge of the counter and break. Another noted that sandwiches with sliced hard-boiled eggs wouldn’t waste the corners of the bread. Beyond those two things – and really, the last one is a bit of a stretch – there’s really no reason to mess with nature. But whatever. 

Wilford claimed that he bred chickens to lay square eggs. That’s quite a feat with someone with absolutely no background in animal science or genetic engineering. Also, I’d imagine square eggs have got to be pretty painful for the chickens laying them.

Wilford then noted that he hadn’t taken the egg out of the box, and that they must think that he was avoiding showing everyone because it was fragile. This was where his friend in the jump suit came in. Buddy Sidwell was a skydiver. He was going to jump out of a plane at 20,000 feet. When he parachuted to a landing in front of reporters and cameras, he would show that the egg was unbroken.

Once word got out, the world would demand strong, square eggs. The only problem was that Wilford needed money to rent the plane for Buddy. That’s why he needed the children’s money. If they all pitched in for the plane rental, Wilford could make them rich.

The children were excited to give their money away, but Encyclopedia put that to an end and pointed out that skydivers normally wear two parachutes, in case the first one failed, but Buddy was only wearing one.

That was the problem Encyclopedia saw with this? No one else saw anything wrong with this entire proposal? If Buddy had said, “Yeah, I’m going to put another one on before I get on the plane,” would Encyclopedia have left it at that?

What about the fact that Wilford never showed anyone the egg? He even pointed out the fact that he didn’t show off the egg. Wasn’t there anyone in the crowd curious to see it? It’s a square egg. I’ve never seen one before, I’d want to see it and I’m not even being asked to invest in them. Actually, I’d want to see two so that the person could break one open and prove that it’s a real egg.

And what would parachuting the egg out of a plane prove? The point of the parachute is so that the person wearing it, and anything he may be holding, land safely to the ground. By having Buddy hold the egg while he parachutes out of a plane, absolutely nothing is being demonstrated except the quality of the parachute. Buddy could jump out of a plane carrying the finest crystal and, assuming he kept a firm enough grip on it and he wasn’t jostled too much in the landing, the crystal would be fine. That wouldn’t be because of the crystal is strong, it would be because he was wearing a parachute.

Unlike Caswell Philpott, who did headstands as part of his yoga, Elton Fisk did his for charity. He would stand on his head on the street corner and raise money for the local hospital. Like Caswell, Elton witnessed something that would be of great interest of the police, but took the information to the Brown Detective Agency instead.

Elton had seen three men wearing yellow overalls and carrying paper bags go into a store downtown. While he didn’t think twice about it at the time, he found out the next day that three men wearing yellow overalls and masks had robbed the First National Bank, carrying their loot in paper bags.

It was assumed that these were the same men. Good assumption.

It was also assumed that the store they went into must have been their hideout and that that was where they could be found; presumably ad infinitum. Bad assumption. 

Just because they went there after they robbed a bank, it doesn’t mean that that was their designated hideout. Why would three bank robbers go to their downtown hideout together in daylight while wearing the same thing they did during the robbery? Wouldn’t they worry that someone would see them? And why rob a bank wearing something easy to spot, like yellow overalls? I guess I can give a pass to that one, given that this is the town where past bank robbers have worn capes.

So let’s suspend logic and doubt and assume that the bank robbers could be found at the one place where they were seen, the question was what store was it?

Well, Elton had no idea. All he knew was that there was a black and white sign in the window, but he couldn’t read it because he was upside down. Not only was he upside down, it the sign was being reflected by a mirror.

Why was it being reflected by a mirror? You see, once while he was standing on his head, Bugs Meany sneaked up behind him and gave him a hot foot. Since then, he’d bring a mirror with him so that no one would be able to sneak up on him.

Why didn’t he just do a headstand with his back near a wall so that no one would be able to sneak up on him? I don’t know.

Why didn’t some adult just grab Bugs by the shirt after this hot foot and say, “You little asshole. This kid is doing something for charity. Can you be a semi-decent human being once in your life?” All Bugs needed is a few good adult role models, and he’d cut the shit almost immediately. I digress.

Elton did say that the sign had two words that were upside-down and backwards, so he was able to read them while standing on his head and looking at it through a mirror. The problem was that he couldn’t remember what those words were, nor could he even remember what store it was or even a general idea of where he was at the time.

So Elton is completely useless.

Encyclopedia decided the best thing to do would be to tell his father, the chief of police, what Elton saw. Maybe with Elton’s information, he could back it up with other witness accounts. Because, surely, someone must have been downtown to see three guys wearing bright yellow overalls. It’s downtown, there must have been someone around.

No, I’m just kidding. Encyclopedia, Sally and Elton decided to do their own detective work. After all, it’s not like the police would care about information regarding a bank robbery, right?

They combed the streets of downtown. Surprisingly, there were four black and white signs – usually, the list of suspects is whittled down to three – but none of them had words written upside-down and backwards.

Slattery’s Fish Market was advertising its sale on choice cod. Meleger’s Furniture Store was having a summer sale. McDuffy’s shoe store had “prices slashed.” And Dwight’s Men’s Store was touting “bargains.”

Well, the trick here is that the words weren’t actually upside-down and backwards, they just appeared that way. Elton should have maybe seen these signs and had some sort of recognition. Usually, people don’t think they could remember something, but then they have their memories jogged, and suddenly, they have an “oh yeah” moment. Elton was apparently too dumb for even that.

The men were hiding out at Slattery’s Fish Market. Encyclopedia knew this because the words “CHOICE COD” appear the same when it’s being read upside-down and backwards.

Wait, were the three men wearing yellow overalls because they were fishermen? That didn’t tip anyone off?

Otis Dibbs had carved out a summer gig for himself diving for golf balls hit into the water hazards of Idaville’s golf courses and selling the balls back to golfers. He had himself quite the business until Helga Smith started butting in and taking over.

Helga was one of the town’s laziest 17-year-olds, whose only noted activity was getting weekly manicures. Otis didn’t want to have to share his profits with her, so he hired Encyclopedia and Sally to get rid of her.

The three biked to the golf course at the country club and walked to one of the water hazards near the sixth hole. As they approached, Helga was getting out of the pond. She pointed out a poorly-made sign near the shore that read “Caution: Divers at Work.” Helga told Otis that it had cost $20; another dip into his profit margin.

Helga said that the business could afford it, as the company had two divers instead of one. Otis protested, saying that she never went diving. All she did was sit in the shade, count balls and collect money. Helga responded by telling Otis to watch his temper, while saying that she did that “shame, shame” gesture with her fingers, and as she did she took an opportunity to show off how perfectly smooth her fingers were and her well-maintained manicure.

At that point, a ball sailed by the children and went right into the water. Helga told her supposed partner to go get the ball because she had been tired from diving the past hour. When it was brought up she could have just gotten in the water to make it look like she had been diving for a while, she claimed that she had found the balls that were in a nearby pail. Otis argued that he had found those balls before heading off to the Brown Detective Agency.

Helga didn’t like being called a liar. She even offered to bow out of the business if Otis could prove his case. Yes, it was obvious that Helga hadn’t been in the water for an hour because she had just shown off her hands. If she had been in the water for an hour, her fingers would have been wrinkled and pruney.

Now, I understand why Helga wanted to get money for doing as little as possible. I just don’t understand why she chose that way to go about it. I don’t know how much Otis was earning, fetching golf balls, but I don’t imagine it must have been that much. Oh sure, it was probably a lot to someone who was 9 or 10 years old, whose only expenses are ice cream and comic books, but kids that age don’t need too much money.

Whatever Otis was making, Helga wanted half of it. What good is that little money to a 17-year-old? What kind of person says, “Oh, I can make $5 a day, and all I have to do is bully a 9-year-old? I’m in.”

This is just another example of everyone in Idaville either being a truly awful person, or one of the truly awful people’s hapless victims.

Daisy Pender wanted Encyclopedia and Sally to oversee a meeting of the Idaville Left-Handers Club, a club devoted to civil rights for people who are left-handed. This, by the way, was in a state that had Jim Crow laws less than 20 years before this book was published.

The previous meeting had ended early when people got sick after someone slipped castor oil into the punch bowl. Daisy expected something similar to happen at this meeting as well. With Encyclopedia and Sally there, Daisy had hoped to stop any interruption before it even occurred. The three of them went to the meeting and stood guard at each door and kept an eye out for any suspicious behavior.

A few minutes into the meeting, there were police sirens outside. The rifle-wielding Officer Feldman entered the room saying that they had received a call that a lion had escaped from the zoo and that it was seen entering that building. Feldman said caller didn’t leave a name, and he admitted that the call may have been a fake. The police were checking the zoo, but in the meantime, he wanted to the lefties to hang tight and be aware.

Okay, so the order of operations for the Idaville PD in a case like that was:

1)      Announce to a room full of people that there may or may not be an escaped lion in the building, possibly inciting a panic.

2)      Check with the zoo to see if a lion, did in fact, escape.

Of course, if it were me, I’d check with the zoo first. If the call was thought to have possibly been a fake, it would probably make more sense to see if the zoo was even missing a lion. If the zoo said that all of their lions were accounted for, then there’s no reason to start scaring people.

I would also account for the fact that lions, lacking opposable thumbs, are unable to open doors by themselves, and that someone wasn’t likely to hold a door open for one. And unless the doors had been propped open, I’m not sure how probable it would have been for a lion to just wander into an unknown building unless there was a dead gazelle just on the other side of the doorway. So once again, the Idaville PD demonstrated just how bad they are at their job.

Since the adults whose salaries are paid by taxpayers were not likely to crack this one any time soon, Encyclopedia and Sally investigated further. They assumed that the call was fake and left by someone at the meeting. Yes, someone could have left the call a mile away, as long as they knew when and where the meeting was, but whatever.

Daisy said that three people had gone out her door, separately, at different times, but they had returned minutes later. The door Daisy was guarding led to the bathrooms, but it also led to the phones. One of those three people could have made the phone call and returned.

Daisy immediately suspected Joe Evans, because one of his hands was lighter than the other. Sally went to Joe’s defense and explained that he played golf with her father. He wore a glove on his right hand, so that hand had less of a tan with good reason.

Daisy then pointed her finger at Mike Dent, because one of his ears was lower than the other. Sally pointed out that his ear isn’t lower, it just looked that way because his left sideburn was longer than the right.

Daisy’s next suspect was Bill Stevens because “his legs are too long.” In reality, it wasn’t that his legs were too long, it was that his pants were too short.

I find it interesting that Daisy, who was an outspoken member of a group devoted to making sure left-handed people got treated fairly, was so quick to suspect other people based solely anything strange with their appearance. To her, lefties got a raw deal, but anyone whose legs were too long should be thrown in jail, no questions asked, at the first sign of trouble.

After reading this story, I suspected the anonymous caller was Joe Evans. I don’t know much about golfing and what glove the hand goes on, but I assumed that the caller was actually a righty, pretending to be a lefty. Maybe the clue was in what hand a golfer wears his glove. It seems like a minor enough point that Encyclopedia would base an entire case on without being completely insane.

But no, while the culprit was actually a right-handed person infiltrating the lefty club, the real answer is completely insane.

“A left-handed man will almost always cut his left sideburn higher (shorter) than his right sideburn when he shaves. A right-handed man will cut his right sideburn higher.”

That’s it. Mike Dent’s left sideburn was longer and there is apparently no possible way that a left-handed person could ever in a million years leave his left sideburn longer, so that meant that he was faking being a left-handed and that he made the call.

I think Daisy’s suspecting the guy whose legs were too long makes as much sense as that sideburn nonsense.

It’s explained later that three days later, the right-handed Mike was thrown out of the club. However, the story makes no mention of him getting in trouble for calling the police with a fake story about an escaped lion.

Edsel Wagonbottom hired Sally to pitch grapes at him so that he could practice catching them in his mouth. He had gotten good over time and was ready to “go nationwide” with it. I’m not sure what kind of money was in this sort of thing. Luckily for him, this story took place in 1982, the year Late Night with David Letterman premiered. It would only be a matter of time before the show would debut the feature “Stupid Human Tricks.” Beyond that, I have no idea what kind of future he had in such an activity

Encyclopedia joined Sally to watch her and Edsel practice, even though this practice was to take place three of four hours. Wouldn’t that get boring to watch after a while? And wouldn’t Sally’s arm eventually get tired?

Edsel told the two detectives that he would have invited them into the pool on that hot and sunny day, but it had just been repaired and was in the process of being refilled. They took several breaks in which they took the hose that was filling the pool and ran the cool water over their heads and escape the heat.

After two hours, they went inside to take a lunch break. When they were finished, Edsel wanted to up his game a bit. He turned the hose off and had Encyclopedia use it to tie him up so that he could practice catching grapes without being able to move. After a few minutes of Edsel missing the grapes, Officer Carlson and Bugs Meany stepped out of the house.

Bugs was telling some story about how Encyclopedia and Sally had tied Edsel up to torture him by throwing grapes at him. Being the protector of justice he was, Bugs took it upon himself to call the police to stop the violence. The Idaville PD, being staffed completely with idiots, was still accepting calls from Bugs.

Edsel went along with Bugs’ story, claiming that he had been tied up for hours. Obviously, he was in on Bugs’ latest scheme to get revenge on Encyclopedia and Sally.

Who should Officer Carlson believe? The boy who regularly filed fake police reports or the boy who regularly helped solve the cases the police are too dumb to figure out themselves? Carlson, for some reason, believed that each story deserve equal weight.

Once Edsel was untied, Encyclopedia turned the water on and demonstrated that it was cool. If the water had been turned off for hours and hours, as was claimed, the water sitting in the hose would have been hot from being in the sun.

Let’s deconstruct this plan, because it could have gone wrong in many ways.

First off, it required Encyclopedia to be there. He had no reason to be there. Edsel had hired Sally and made no mention of wanting Encyclopedia there. There was no guarantee that Encyclopedia would have even showed up in the first place, little yet stick around for hours and hours watching some jerk catch grapes being thrown at him.

It required Sally not saying, “Did you just say you need me to throw grapes at your for three to four hours? There’s no way I’ll be able to do that,” or her not saying after two hours, “You know what, this is really freakin’ tiring. I’m gonna go.”

It required Bugs and Officer Carlson getting to the house at the right time. What if they got there too early when the three of them were still inside, eating lunch? What if they got there in time to see Encyclopedia just about to tie Edsel up? What if the Idaville PD had better things to do? This place was kind of a crime haven. It’s possible they wouldn’t have been available to investigate a supposed case of torture as reported by Idaville’s worst liar.

Speaking of lies, it also required a plan that didn’t rely so heavily on such an easily disprovable lie, which is usually where Bugs gets tripped up. You would think with as detailed and complex as these schemes are, Bugs’ attempt wouldn’t fall to pieces so quickly.

We know we’re in for quite the trip when the name of the story refers to Bugs Meany as a thinker.

Winslow Brant went to the Brown Detective Agency saying that Bugs had taken a cut-glass lamp that he had found. We’ve met Winslow before. Previously, an 18-year-old woman destroyed the plumbing in Winslow’s entire apartment building so that she could get more money at a flea market. Before that, a 16-year-old with a boat had stolen a fake treasure map that Winslow had found and tried to unbury the loot himself. Since Winslow seems to be walking around with a target on his back, it was only a matter of time before Bugs would prey on him.

To Bugs’ credit, he didn’t simply steal the lamp. Instead, Bugs offered Winslow classes in philosophy in return. If Winslow did well enough, Bugs would award him a diploma stating he was a Doctor of Philosophy.

No, if one is smart enough to know what a Doctor of Philosophy is, one should know that one person couldn’t just give out a diploma for one. And that person should especially know that Bugs was lying simply because it’s Bugs.

Whatever. This Winslow idiot wanted his lamp back, and Encyclopedia was hired to get it from Bugs.

Encyclopedia and Winslow went to the Tigers’ clubhouse where Bugs explained that the lamp was no more. Bugs said that his uncle had put it in the back of his pickup truck. On the way to the flea market, his uncle had to jam on the brakes. At that point, the lamp was pushed back and over the tailgate. It smashed when it hit the street.

Winslow bought this story, but Encyclopedia didn’t. If the truck had been travelling forward when his uncle slammed on the brakes, everything on and in the truck would have moved forward, not back. Bugs realized he had been caught in yet another terrible lie, and he returned the lamp to Winslow.

Really, I think anyone dumb enough to think that Bugs could give someone a doctorate deserves to have his beloved lamp smashed into tiny bits right in front of his stupid little face.

Chief Brown was puzzled about yet another case, so he thought he’d get his son to do his job for him. This case involved failed inventor and artist, Salvatore Custer, who built a giant mouse trap. The trap was eight feet long, six feet wide and five feet high, and had an engine and wheels. Custer had parked it on the front lawn of City Hall out of frustration, and it couldn’t be moved.

First, he had an offer from a museum in New York, but the museum was going to make Custer pay for the shipping. Next, he thought a local exterminator would be able to use it for advertising, but they weren’t interested. So, Custer did what no one in their right mind would ever do; he parked it near City Hall, sarcastically saying it was his “gift to Idaville.” To make matters worse, he had since lost the key.

Just as he was leaving his “gift,” a police car pulled up. Custer thought he was about to be arrested, so his plan was to escape though City Hall and go out the rear exit. However, he slipped on the lobby’s marble floor and hit his head. Dizzy and out of it, Custer decided to change his course and go out another exit, which was downstairs. When he got downstairs, he angrily threw the ignition key into the trash in the sub-basement, but decided to go back upstairs, so he hit the “up” button for another elevator. From there, he escaped.

Since then, the garbage had been cleared from the sub-basement, so the key was gone and there was no way to move the trap. Well, supposedly. I’ll get back to that.

Blah, blah, blah. It turned out that, in his confusion, Custer actually went to the basement and not the sub-basement, as he had thought. Encyclopedia had figured that out when Chief Brown told him that Custer had hit the “up” button for the elevator. There would only be one button if he was on the lower floor. Since there was an “up” and a “down” button, he must have been in the basement and not the sub-basement. The good news about that is that the trash had been cleared from the sub-basement, but not the basement. Since the key had been abandoned in the basement, it should have still been there.

Except, Chief Brown said that Custer said he hit the “up” button. It’s not as if Chief Brown, when retelling the story to Encyclopedia, explained that there had been actually two buttons there for Custer to choose from. Even if there was only one button there, it would still be the “up” button.

Whatever. Point being, the key wasn’t thrown away after all, which meant that the mouse trap could be moved.

Why couldn’t the mouse trap be moved any other way? Chief Brown explained that it wasn’t the police department’s job to take care of it and that it fell on the department of parks, who said it was under the department of road’s jurisdiction. Apparently, the mayor was looking up the law, and this situation wasn’t likely to be solved in weeks.

Holy shit, isn’t there anyone in this town who wants to do their job? Why did the mayor have to look up who was responsible for this thing? And why would it take weeks? Wouldn’t that set a dangerous precedent? Leave something on the City Hall lawn, and the town won’t know how to deal with it, so it will stay there for weeks. What’s keeping someone from dumping their old couch in front of City Hall? If it’s closer to the dump and there are absolutely no consequences, why bother properly disposing it?

Why doesn’t the mayor just ask one of his workers, like Chief Brown, to take care of it? He’s his boss. He could tell him to do anything within reason.

Or the mayor could just call a tow truck and have them move it. I’m sure they’d be happy to move it. Then it wouldn’t be Idaville’s problem, it would be Custer’s. He’d have to pay towing and storage fees, and then the city employees could get back to passing the buck on other issues.