The Encyclopedia Brown Encyclopedia

Sarah Jenkins wanted to hire the Brown Detective Agency to check out if an antique map for sale was authentic. At some point recently in these books, the customer base for Encyclopedia has shifted from “please figure out who stole my shit” to “please tell me if the shit I’m going to buy is worth my money.” Encyclopedia has gone from boy detective to boy appraiser.

Anyway, Sarah was part of a new group called the Lost and Found Club. All of its members were interested in explorers and old maps. They thought “Explorers Club” was a boring name. High school senior Nate Switcher had recently gotten in touch with the club to tell them that he had a map drawn by a Spanish mapmaker who accompanied Christopher Columbus on his 1492 voyage. He claimed that he bought it at a flea market while he was on vacation in Spain with his family.

Some random teenager claimed to have owned a 500+-year-old map? Yeah, that sounds legit. Buy it, Sarah. Buy it!

Encyclopedia and Sarah went to see Nate and his map. He unrolled a map that was stained yellow, and Sarah was not impressed. The map appeared to show just a few islands and the words “Atlantic Ocean” written in big fancy letters. Nate explained that Columbus only saw a few islands in what is now called the Caribbean, so North or South America wouldn’t be on a map from 1492. Of course, Nate explained, the Americas didn’t earn their name until 1507 when German cartographer labeled the new continents “America” after explorer Amerigo Vespucci.

That explanation seemed to placate Sarah and Nate seemed to know what he was talking about, but Encyclopedia told her to hold on to her money because “Atlantic Ocean” was written in English.

Here’s yet another example of someone one year away from earning a high school degree from the Idaville school system who probably didn’t deserve one. He went through all of the trouble about learning about the history of the Columbus voyage, how America got its name and making this map. I don’t know how he made the map look old, but I would image it would be pretty labor-intensive. But when it came to actually creating this map, this dipshit used English.

English!

Despite the fact that Columbus sailed for Spain, the mapmaker in Nate’s own story was Spanish and he bought it while he was in Spain. How did it not occur to this dipshit not to use Spanish?

Not only do I worry about the education these kids are getting in the high school, I also worry that attending this school will make Encyclopedia dumb.

Chief Brown was able to score some tickets to the circus for his family because he was friends with circus owner Phineas Dailey. I wonder why Chief Brown is so close to so many circus owners.

All in all, the family was impressed with the circus. The only part that didn’t seem right was the lion tamer, who couldn’t get Felix the Ferocious to do anything. The lion tamer whipped and yelled through a megaphone, but the lion did nothing. In an attempt to save the show, the ringmaster brought out a wheelbarrow full of steaks and threw some near Felix, who still did not respond. The ringmaster then moved the show along to the next act.

After the circus was over, Chief Brown took his family backstage to meet up with Dailey. The family told Dailey how much they enjoyed the show. Encyclopedia mentioned that he thought the lion act was funny and unexpected. A few moments later, the Browns were able to hear an argument. Dailey asked Chief Brown if he could mediate in the argument between the lion tamer and the ringleader.

Majesto the lion tamer claimed that Felix had been drugged, which was why he wasn’t responding to anything during the show. Majesto suspected that Cocoa the clown was jealous of him ever since he started dating Cocoa’s ex-girlfriend, Lola the trapeze artist.

The ringmaster said that that wouldn’t have been possible because Cocoa was practicing with the other clowns before the show. Majesto then began to suspect Bruno the strongman, who was Lola’s brother.

The ringmaster accused Majesto of looking for excuses for his terrible act. He even mentioned that he tried to save the act by wheeling out the steaks, which originally wasn’t part of the act. The ringmaster then said that Majesto should be punished because a poorly trained lion could become dangerous. He also called Felix lazy.

I’m not sure what the ringmaster was arguing here. Either it was a dangerous animal or it was too lazy to lift its head when someone threw steaks nearby. It can’t be both.

Chief Brown suggested bringing Bruno out for questioning, but Encyclopedia said that that wouldn’t be necessary, because he knew that the lion had been drugged, and he knew who did it.

Before I get into that, I’d like to say that the lion tamer act didn’t seem to ruin anything. First of all, how much tamer can a lion get than completely ignoring the fact that steaks are being thrown at it? Secondly, Encyclopedia – and I imagine others – enjoyed it. He thought it was funny and unexpected. If it entertained the crowd, then the act wasn’t a failure. It’s that simple.

Encyclopedia thought that that act went off as planned because the ringmaster brought out a wheelbarrow full of steaks. It’s not as if the circus would have a wheelbarrow full of steaks prepared for the show itself, what was it doing there and how did the ringmaster know to get it?

Well, Encyclopedia theorized that the ringmaster drugged the lion to sabotage Majesto’s act and prepared the wheelbarrow before the show so that he could bring it out to make Majesto look bad. He hoped that Majesto would leave the circus because his act went poorly, which would give the ringmaster a chance at getting with Lola the trapeze artist.

Man, this Lola must be one hot little number.

When the ringmaster admitted what he had done, as punishment, he had to clean up after the animals for a month. That’s quite a slap on the wrist.

The ringmaster endangered a circus animal in hopes of sabotaging an act in his own circus, and he wasn’t arrested, fired or given any sort of punishment beyond having to clean up after the animals for a month. He was able to remain ringmaster despite all that he did. That is bullshit and I can’t imagine Majesto being comfortable with having to work in such a hostile work environment.

Sammy Jackson, getting ready to defraud a museum.

Chip Caswell’s liked collecting baseball souvenirs. In addition to that, he had kept every ticket stub from every game he had ever been to. That’s why he was excited that a sports museum was opening in Idaville. It doesn’t really make sense that such a museum would open in a small town in Idaville, which had no connection to professional sports. What made even less sense was the fact that there was going to be a spot in the main hall for a kid to donate something. The donator’s name would be put on a plaque put on display.

I don’t even understand why a museum would do this, but there’s no point in me trying to figure out why anyone in this town does anything.

Chip said that museum personnel would be examining donations at noon that day. He assumed that there would be a long line of kids, so he wanted to hire Encyclopedia to see what the kids had so that Chip would know what to offer. So Chip was hiring Encyclopedia as some sort of errand boy. Only, it didn’t really make sense, because Chip went with Encyclopedia. Why would he need Encyclopedia to scope out the competition if he was going as well? I guess Encyclopedia wasn’t about to question it. He got paid either way.

When they got to the museum, there was only one kid there; Tiger member Sammy Jackson. He had a baseball glove that said “Bad Motherf***er.” No, I’m kidding; just a little Samuel L. Jackson humor for everyone.

Sammy explained that there had been a long line, but everyone left once they saw what he brought. He had a baseball signed by Babe Ruth. Not just any baseball; Ruth had hit this particular ball for a homerun.

Sammy told the story of how his great-uncle got the ball. He lived near Yankee Stadium and went to every Yankee game he could. In that particular game, Ruth had already hit two homers. The Yankees were up by three runs by the bottom of the ninth. Even though the game was a foregone conclusion at that point, his great-uncle stayed until the end. In fact, he was one of the few remaining fans in his section. After getting two strikes, Ruth hit a homer that bounced off a seat near his great-uncle, right into his hands. While the homer itself didn’t decide the game, it was Ruth’s third of the game.

Sammy said that his great-uncle had recently passed away and left him that ball. He admitted that he wasn’t as big of baseball fan as his great-uncle, so he thought the ball should go in the museum.

Chip was ready to give up and let Sammy have his fame, but Encyclopedia suspected that the ball was fake. According to Sammy’s story, the Yankees were up by three runs when Ruth hit the homerun in the bottom of the ninth. But when the home team is ahead, they don’t bat in the ninth inning.

Sammy admitted that the ball wasn’t from Babe Ruth, but from the back of his closet. He put the fake autograph on the ball in hopes of scaring everyone from trying to submit their own item from the museum.

What was Sammy’s plan here? Oh sure, he lied to get rid of the competition, but his baseball was still subject to the approval of the museum personnel. One would hope that someone in charge of accepting entries into a sports museum would be able to tell the difference between an 80-year-old baseball signed by Babe Ruth and some other baseball with “Babe Ruth” scrawled on it by some kid. If not, then I’m guessing this museum would be filled with fake sports memorabilia. Actually, the idea of Idaville opening a fake sports memorabilia museum wouldn’t surprise me one bit.

But assuming this particular museum, for some reason, had its shit together, there would be no way that they would have accepted this baseball. They’d also wonder why Sammy was the only one in line when there had been so many children in line earlier. I would think they would just reschedule.

I wonder why Chip, who was supposedly a huge baseball fan, didn’t think it was odd that the baseball game in Sammy’s story had the winning home team batting in the bottom of the ninth. Sammy may have faked the baseball, but it sounds like Chip had been faking his interest in baseball this entire time.

The Browns were waiting in line for Fiona Slocum’s concert. Slocum was Chief Brown’s favorite country western singer. While waiting in line, the three discussed Slocum’s career. That’s where we learned that her first album was successful, but she took some time off after that tour and that this was her comeback tour.

Encyclopedia noticed two police officers heading towards them. The officers told Chief Brown that they were needed. The three were escorted backstage where they were introduced to Colonel Abner Singleton, Slocum’s manager. He explained that the sheet music for Slocum’s latest songs had been stolen. She was planning on performing the song for the first time that night. She was so distraught over the missing sheet music that she needed to be alone. She refused to see anyone. Due to Slocum’s secretive nature, no one knew anything about these songs; even Singleton himself.

Encyclopedia asked if the songs could be rewritten, but they couldn’t. Slocum wrote the music down, but since her memory wasn’t all that great, she was unable to perform without sheet music. She couldn’t even perform songs that she had done hundreds of times before without sheet music.

I’m no doctor, but that seems like a terrible condition. She seems to have some serious brain condition where she has absolutely no muscle memory. It makes me wonder how she was even able to become a successful musician if she couldn’t play any of her music from memory.

Singleton told Chief Brown that there was one suspect. His name was Chuck and he had followed Slocum from city to city. Singleton admitted that Chuck hadn’t done anything illegal. So basically, Chuck was only guilty of being a fan.

Singleton begged Chief Brown to find the sheet music as soon as possible. He said that without her new love songs, Slocum may not get the comeback that she wanted.

Encyclopedia asked how he knew they were love songs if only Slocum knew what the songs were about. Singleton knew that he had been caught. He had heard that Slocum had wanted to fire him as her manager, so Singleton had taken the sheet music. He had hoped that if he was the hero that found the music, he would preserve his job.

Okay, I get that part. He wanted to keep his job. I don’t understand why the police were there.

A singer was claiming that music, that only she saw, was missing. There was no evidence of a break-in or any other wrongdoing. This doesn’t sound like theft, it sounds like the singer just misplaced the music. This doesn’t seem all that out of the ordinary because we’ve already established that Fiona has exceptionally shitty memory. So getting the police involved at that point would be like me calling 911 because I couldn’t remember where I put my keys.

But let’s say that this story takes place in a town where the local police force has nothing better to do and are totally fine with wasting their resources (read: Idaville). That doesn’t explain why Singleton was being helpful to the police.

This is the guy who stole the music and whose plan revolved around him being the one to find the music. Why would the guy whose plan revolved on no police involvement get the the police? Even if Slocum told Singleton to get the police, there was nothing stopping him from lying and saying he did because he was holing herself up in her dressing room. 

If Singleton couldn’t even do this properly, it’s a wonder why Slocum didn’t fire him sooner.

Let’s pretend this wasn’t an inside job and let’s pretend the Idaville PD’s only way of solving cases was hoping Chief Brown’s young son didn’t pick up on someone accidentally giving too much information. What kind of investigation would the police be able to launch if the one person who had access to the music locked herself in a room and refused to be talked to?

Yeah, nothing in this story makes any sense.

Alfred E. Neuman lookalike Biff Bumpkin laughs off accusations that he stole a box of stuffed animals.

The town was getting ready for the Idaville Fair, which meant that either someone was getting ready to cheat at some contest, or someone was about to steal something. The latter turned out to be true and Encyclopedia had no problem spotting the victim of the latest petty crime. He noticed a high school student setting up one of the concession stands who seemed to be in a grouchy mood.

Encyclopedia went over to her stand to see if she was okay. She introduced herself as Mindy Harmon, and she said told him that she knew of him because younger her sister, Carrie, spoke about him a lot. She even had a case for him to solve. Mindy paid Encyclopedia a quarter, and he sat down to hear her story. As he was doing so, Mindy’s dog, Cooper, barked at him. Mindy hushed Cooper and explained that he always barked at strangers, but didn’t seem to scare them much.

Mindy explained that someone had stolen a large box of stuffed animals that were supposed to be meant for prizes for one of the games. She had gone to her car to unload some stuff, and when she returned, she saw that the box was gone. She was depending on Cooper to guard the booth, but he obviously didn’t do a very good job. Encyclopedia asked when she noticed the box was missing, and Mindy answered that that had been an hour earlier.

There was no one around who would have seen who might have taken the box. Encyclopedia asked Mindy if she had seen anything suspicious, and she answered that she hadn’t, but did see Biff Bumpkin watching her from a distance before the box disappeared, but he was gone after that. She didn’t know Biff very well, personally, but she knew that he didn’t have the best reputation. I’m not sure why that didn’t raise a red flag in her head.

So to review; Mindy was setting up a booth for the Idaville Fair. She noticed some creepy kid watching her from afar, but she didn’t think twice about him. She left a box of toys unattended, hoping that her easy-to-quell dog would guard the toys from her. When Mindy returned, the box was gone as was the creepy kid. But she didn’t suspect the creepy kid, nor did she alert the authorities – or anyone – about the theft until about an hour later when the resident 10-year-old boy detective happened to pass by. Had Encyclopedia not run into her, she’d still be quietly skulking about her stolen toys completely flummoxed about what could have happened to them.

This Mindy doesn’t sound too bright.

Biff happened to live around the corner from the fair, so Encyclopedia suggested that he and Mindy speak to him. Mindy agreed and asked another volunteer to keep an eye on her booth. If she had asked someone to keep an eye on her crap in the first place, they wouldn’t be in this mess. Also, before heading to Biff’s, it might make sense to ask these nearby volunteers if they had seen who took the toys. It just seems like a wiser tack to build some evidence before confronting the accused.

Biff claimed that he didn’t steal the box of stuffed animals. He went so far to even say that he had no use for stuffed animals. Biff then motioned to Cooper and patted the dog on the head.

Encyclopedia pointed out that Cooper barks at strangers, and that Cooper wasn’t barking because he was already familiar with Biff when he stole the stuffed animals. Biff confessed immediately and explained that he was going to use the stuffed animals to impress the ladies by pretending to have won them.

Well, at least Biff had a decent motive. That almost never happens.

But I have no idea why Biff gave up so easily. He could have explained that he was good with dogs or that he knew Cooper because he had seen him around town with Mindy’s sister Carrie.